Do we understand our own story?

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Where is the baby's home now? 2-year-old Eleanor asked her aunt when she told her that her parents had left for Europe. Little Eleanor often found her parents unavailable due to social obligations. And when available, most of the time, her mother was seen comforting her other two boys rather than her elder daughter, Eleanor. 

Anna, Eleanor’s mother, focused mainly on looks and manners; she tended to her two younger sons much more than Eleanor. In Anna’s eyes, Eleanor did not meet any of her expectations and was unloved. Mostly, occasional crumbs of attention.

Here, we refer to Eleanor Roosevelt, the most influential First Lady in American history, who endured a challenging childhood. Her father was an alcoholic, and her mother, Anna, prioritized social standing above everything else. 

You must have already measured how little this baby was held and been soothed.

Dr. Daniel Siegel, A Clinical Professor of psychiatry at UCLA with training in pediatrics, explains in his 4S Framework that when a child feels safe, seen, soothed, and secure, they develop a healthy sense of self. If not, the child forms an insecure attachment style.

Eleanor could not escape from the repercussions and formed an insecure attachment style. And, when someone has never felt secure in childhood, adulthood passes with an unexplainable feeling of not belonging and a constant longing for the security that was never earned in childhood.

In the US, 35 - 38 percent of adults fall into an insecure attachment style. 

Clearly, there might be many such Eleanors out in the world, certainly with varying degrees of relationship dynamics with primary caregivers, sharing stories of experiences with a common denominator: that unexplainable feeling.

To understand this, we first need to recognize the importance of feeling secure during childhood.

According to Maslow's hierarchy of needs, our safety needs come immediately after physiological needs (such as air, food, and shelter). And in the tender age, being emotionally safe is as essential as breathing air. When a child is not felt safe and secured by their caregivers, especially during the first 6 months to 2 years of age, the brain starts creating neural patterns that prioritize survival over exploration. 

This same child in adulthood will often have a longing for security, which represents what psychologists call “unfinished business” from childhood—an attempt to fulfill developmental needs that were not adequately met during critical periods of development. 

My heart is torn to write further.

This longing for security, the drive to find a safe and secure haven, or to have a sense of belonging, often causes the insecure child to face circumstances that are beyond their control and involve a painful journey.

Some people tend to suppress details about their lives, both positive and negative—such as getting promoted at work, having a challenging day, or starting a new relationship. The tendency for such chronic privacy stemmed from a subconscious belief that by keeping things to themselves, they can avoid rejection and not expect anyone to care.

While some wonder what happens to them when they fall in love. Why do they fall apart? Why do they become these needy creatures with no self-confidence? Why do they lose themselves in relationships? When they are single and when involved may look the same on the outside, but on the inside, they are two entirely different people.

This is not just it. Some stories reveal patterns of: 

This constant feeling to find their safe harbour now keeps them alone in the midst of the sea by choice, and some through abandonment.

The very search for safety now becomes unsafe.

At least, Eleanor did not settle for less.

Despite her deprived childhood, she grew into what attachment researchers call a case of earned secure attachment - someone who recovers from early insecurity and builds healthier relational patterns in adulthood. 

The recovery was not easy, especially when she was completely abandoned at the age of 10, when both her mother and father died in a short interval. 

There is a saying, for whom there is no one, there is god. And for Eleanor, Mary Souvestre came as a “secure base” and provided a consistent, attuned, and unconditionally accepting relationship she had never received. 

But when the wound is deep, it becomes tough to remove the past conditioning, although the present is felt safe. It is possible only with the courage to face your inner demons and work individually. 

While Souvestre provided Eleanor with a “corrective emotional experience”, she also had to make a deliberate effort to redefine her internal working model. She placed Souvestre’s portrait on her desk and brought her letters with her every time she moved.

In her later years, she involved herself in social service work, teaching immigrant children at the Rivington Street Settlement House. This service orientation reflected Eleanor’s discovery that helping others provided meaning and healing for her own wounds.

I agree, not everyone will have Souvestre to rescue them from their current situation and take them to their safe harbour. However, what is most important is not to settle for life as it is and take charge into one's own hands.

When you start with self-acceptance, you sit with yourself, you introspect, you tend yourself. And in that process, a new world of information is discovered.

Going back to Eleanor’s story, if we go back to the time before she was born, you will get to know that Anna, her mother, had a difficult adult life due to her husband's severe alcoholism. There was no one to comfort her or to understand her, and getting busy with social groups was her way to cope with her feeling of emptiness within.

Indeed, this doesn't give the warrant to pass down her grief to Eleanor. The point is, with forgiveness, we get the strength to not live on the past and become a solid premise of what not to do in the present and future.

Rather than being controlled by our past experiences, we can integrate these pains into a coherent narrative that fuels our life’s purpose.

Being our own secure base so as to attune to our own needs, removing yourself from toxic environment and placing yourself in a place where belonging is felt, helping people who are marginalized or suffering ( heal others to heal yourself is potent ), constantly working on your self-growth and building your kind of people and community gives you the chance to earn secure attachment.

Most importantly, it starts with understanding your own story, and this essay was a small attempt to inspire you to take that first step towards self-acceptance.

Thanks for reading,

See you soon.

Team Rebuild

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